Retarded Comedy
by Banana Toki
Summary: WARNING: Fic contains dangerous amounts of crack. Proceed only if experienced with taking large doses of crack. Contains small parts, choking hazard. Not suitable for children.
1. Part 1, Chapter 1

A/N: Heya kids. Um, just a warning. This fic contains strong language an' violence an' that's not the, uh, kinda' thing you kids should be lookin' at, unless you know, your parents say you can. Unless you know, you don't care, what your parents say an' yuh smoke weed in tha parkin' lot with your friends; in which case uh, don't let your, ah, parents see watcha' readin' cuz, you could, ah, get in trouble or something. And you know ah, that's kinda' bad and uh, I don't really care, because ah, I don't know you. Okey, read...

Part 1

Chapter 1

Death by Stupid

Yu-Gi danced merrily in his room a bright smile on his face.

"Yeah! Yeah! I love you NSync!"

That was when Joey walked in.

"Hey man, what're you doing?" he asked.

"Dancin', I'm dancin' shake it, uh-uh-uh-ooh, uh-uh-uh-ooh," replied Yu-Gi merrily.

"I'm scared," said Joey and then he ran away.

Said Yu-Gi, "Hit me baby one more time!"

Joey continued running until he reached Kaiba Corp.

"How the hell did I get here so fast? I'm not even tired."

"That's good news Joey," said Kaiba who suddenly appeared behind him, "Let's take off our shirts and kiss."

Joey screamed and ran some more. He arrived in front of Tea's house, Kaiba still behind him.

"Hi Joey!" exclaimed Tea.

"Aaaaaaaaaah!" at this point Joey ran off a cliff and died.

"Wait for meeeeeeee!" yelled Kaiba jumping off after him.

At the bottom of the cliff Tristan was sitting and saw them land.

"Cool, Joey and Kaiba died!" he ran over to the bodies, picked them up and skipped all the way home.

End of Part 1 of Chapter 1 in Part 1.


	2. Part 2, Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Hello Happy People

After his terrifying ordeal involving everything from part 1, Joey had been scarred for life and so had to be sent for therapy. It was actually quite a relief as now he would get to spend a whole year away from Tea! He walked up the grey concrete steps to where a smiling orderly was standing.

"Hi there Joey! I know what you're here for! So, come right in!" she squealed dragging him inside.

"Oh, Ok," he said as he was helplessly dragged to an elevator and taken to the fourteenth floor. After the elevator came to a stop, the orderly pushed him out into the hallway and into a room labelled, 'no. 15'.

"Here we are!" she exclaimed pushing him inside, "Well, this is your room so get comfy and meet your roommate, Harry Potter!"

"Hey man! Want some Vodka? Ha ha, ha!"  
"That's enough Harry, you don't want to give your roommate alcohol poisoning like the last one," she said happily.

Harry became sober for a moment, "…I miss Lee…"

"Bye boys, have fun!" she screamed and ran out.

Joey stood silently for a moment and then turned to his bed. It looked like something out of a hospital. Wait, he was in a hospital, never mind. Anyway, he unpacked his things including several posters of Mai in compromising positions and several framed photographs of them together. He put all the photos and a bottle of Advil on his bedside table and all the posters on the wall next to his bed. His clothes were all thrown into a box he pulled out of his bag and put at the foot of his bed. He pulled out several magazines and hurriedly placed them under his mattress. After he was sure his backpack was empty, he shoved it under his bed and then proceeded to put his deck in the drawer of the table.

"Done yet?" asked Harry half heartedly.

"Yeah," replied Joey pulling a comic book from his mattress plopping on his bed.

"Hey, don't let them catch you with that," said Harry seriously.

"Hmm, why not?" he asked.

"They don't want you to know anything about the outside world. Why else do they not have any phones or-or…" Harry started to sniffle, "Television…" he started sobbing into his pillow.

"That's Ok, I don't watch TV because if I do, all I'll see is Yu-Gi's big head revolving around the screen. I can't take it anymore so I don't watch TV."

"Lucky bastard," said Harry turning over in bed, "Hey,"

"What?" asked Joey continuing to read.

"Got any Vodka?"

"No."

"You suck man," Harry turned over again.

"Hey wait," said Joey suddenly, "what about my posters?"

Harry turned around with his fingers stuck in the neck of a bottle. He smashed it against his bedside table. "What posters?"

"Never mind…"

Then a bell rang real loud and Joey jumped.

"What the hall was that?" he yelled.

"The bell," said Harry darkly, sucking his fingers "of doom."

"Right…" said Joey continuing to read.

"Attention happy patients! You all need to go to like the main room, like right now!" a cheerful voice squealed over the intercom.

Joey was speechless until he started talking again, "Are they always like that?"

"Yeah," said Harry standing up and brushing off his grey sweater.

Joey placed his comic book under his mattress and walked to the door. Harry walked up next to him and the two walked down the hallway together, silently staring at others who were also walking down the corridor, silently. Everyone arrived at the main room where a man in a pastel blue shirt stood up and smiled at everyone.

"Hey everyone, I'm Doctor Pal! Cuz I'm a doctor and I'm your pal! If watch TV, you might remember me!"

"Hey man, I remember you," said a guy in the back.

"DETAIN HIM!" shouted Doctor Pal.

Two big oafish orderlies appeared and dragged him away screaming.

"As we know everyone, watching television is evil although making television makes a lot of money."

There was a soft murmur from the crowd.

"SILENCE!" he yelled, "Now everyone is going to get their timetables, so line up like, neatly, at those funky fresh desks over there. Enjoy yourselves dudes!" he exclaimed before spinning around and walked away into the back.

Joey and Harry along with many others lined up at the desks. After a long, long time where nothing amusing happened, they collected their timetables and went outside to the great big lawn filled with flowers and trees and butterflies and other happy things. Harry nudged Joey in the direction of a girl who was standing alone and staring around, a dazed look on her face.

"This is Haku," said Harry putting his arm around his shoulders, "my boyfriend."

There was a short moment of silence from Joey.

"You're a guy?" he asked Haku.

"Yep, but I haven't decided yet if I want to stay that way."

"Um, Ok. Hey Harry, what other girls are there around here?"

"Well, most of them are in gender confused but there are some from DOA over there playing volleyball and some other girls from some other places but, I wouldn't know, I'm too busy being in love with Haku."

"Aw Harry, that's so sweet," said Haku grabbing Harry, "I love you Harry."

"I love you Haku."

"I love you more Harry."

"I love you more Haku."

"I love you more Harry."

"Hey, how long have you known each other?" asked Joey interrupting them.

Haku got this kind of thoughtful look on his face, "About fifteen minuets."

"Fifteen minuets?" asked Joey.

"Yeah. He was hiding under my bed before you came and it was love at first sight," said Harry staring at Haku dreamily.

"Aw Harry, I love you," said Haku.

"I love you more Haku."

"No, I love you more Harry."

Then they started making out. Joey was pretty scared and started wishing that he could get back to Kaiba and Tea. Anything, to get away from these people. So instead of staring at them in horror, he turned to watch the DOA girls play volleyball with Doctor Pal.

"Lucky bastard," Joey murmured under his breath.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Gender Confusion

"Alright everyone," said a beaming woman.

She was wearing a fluffy pink coat and really big coloured hoop earrings. A pair of pink fox ears stuck out from her pretty pink hair tied in a ponytail. A big smile covered in pink lipstick was on her bright face. She seemed like the type of person that was super happy and hyper on the outside but actually a raving maniac waiting for the right moment to shoot everyone in the vicinity on the inside.

"It's time for," there was a drum roll, "therapy! Isn't it great everybody?"

Now commander Noin was sure. She had been sent by her cast to therapy for 'Gender Confusion'. She couldn't understand why. So what if she wore men's clothes and hair like Trowa? So what if she was uber manly sometimes and hitting on Zechs the next? So what? They didn't have to send her to therapy, at least gender confused anyway. Also in the room were a few other girls, at least people she thought were girls. One had shoulder length black hair and was wearing a pretty strange outfit. Another had short blonde hair and an adorable hat. She had a basket of flowers in her lap.

"Now, everyone knows why they're here, right?" she asked.

There was no answer so she continued like nothing had happened.

"You're all here for Gender Confusion therapy. That means that you don't know whether you want to be a girl or boy. Let's use you for an example, umm?" she looked at the girl with the hat.

"Momoji," said the girl.

"So, Momoji, are you a girl or boy?"

"Um, I'm not sure."

"What were you born Momoji, what were you born."

"Oh. I'm a boy."

Noin's jaw dropped. Now she was sure she didn't need therapy.

"Well this is group therapy, so why don't you introduce yourself next commander?"

"I'm Commander Noin and I'm definitely a girl."

Momoji's jaw dropped, "No way," he whispered to the girl(?) next to him.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Dealing With Our Past

Harry was pining during his therapy session for troubled pasts. The one for drinking problems was the next day. He missed Haku so much but he was in Gender Confusion right now. He pouted as the counsellor, Doctor Pal, stood up in front the group.

"Hey everybody! You know me, Doctor Pal, you know I'm a doctor but I'm also your pal so I'm Doctor Pal, but I don't know you cool cats. So, why doesn't everyone introduce themselves?"

There was a moment of silence before Harry decided to stand up.

"I'm Harry Potter," he said.

"Hey Harry," said Doctor Pal, "So, why don't you tell us a little about your past."  
"Well, the Dark Lord Voldemort killed my parents, my headmaster and mentor was killed by my Potions teacher, my godfather-the person who was going to take me away from the Dursleys was killed by his cousin, I've been abused and treated like a slave and was forced to sleep in a cupboard for the first eleven years of my life before getting my cousin's second bedroom. So all in all, my family hates me, the majority of the school either hates me or thinks I'm a liar and a glory hog and there's a danger that I may not be able to get any action before I get killed by Voldemort." Harry stood in silence for a few moments.

"That's great Harry!" exclaimed Doctor Pal, "Admitting your problems is the first step! Who's next?"

The boy next to him stood up. He had bright red hair and a gourd on his back. He was wearing some pretty strange clothes and his arms were folded over his chest.

"I'm Gaara of the Sand and I hate everyone and everything that exists because I've been hated and ridiculed and feared my entire life. I can't sleep because the demon inside me will eat my soul and I tried to kill myself when I was seven but I couldn't die."

He sat down. Harry stared at him for a few moments before he turned slowly to face him.

"That is so sexy," said Harry.

"You are such a whore," said Gaara before turning back around.

Harry felt hurt and almost missed the next introduction.

"I'm Link." said a boy dressed all in green with a stocking hat, "I was abandoned in the forest by mother as she died fleeing our burning city, the magic talking Deku Tree decided I should be raised by the Kokiri. So, I spent the first ten years of my life being ridiculed by Mido who was later reborn as Tingle and hated everyone else because I didn't have a fairy. Then I got a fairy but she was stupid and made me kill lots of stupid monsters. And I had to go collect stupid jewels for a half-assed plan concocted by an idiot blonde princess,"

"Hey I'm blonde and I'm not stupid!" interrupted a blonde boy with wearing a bright orange tracksuit.

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" shouted Link.

Everyone stared as Link continued, "Anyway, then I got trapped in a time bubble for seven years then I had to collect more stupid shiny things assisted by a gender confused ninja thing who was actually the princess who I hate and love at the same time! Why do I have to be like this! I hate her but I can't stop thinking about her?" he started patting his back, "Where's my sword? Where is it? I need to end it, end it now!"

"Orderlies?" Doctor Pal said, "Orderlies I need some help here."

The same beefy guys who had carried off the other guy who said he remembered Doctor Pal from TV earlier appeared and dragged off a kicking, screaming Link to be sedated.

"As you can see, some of our cases are very serious," said Doctor Pal cheerily, "Next!"

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto and like Gaara I also have a demon sealed inside of me. All the villagers hated me because they thought I was the demon when the demon is actually sealed inside me as I said, anyway, because of this, I didn't know until I was told when I was twelve when one of my teacher tricked me into stealing a forbidden scroll so he could steal it from me and become powerful or something. Anyway, he told me so now I know why every time a villager looks at me, there is cold hatred burning in their eyes. All because a stupid demon got sealed inside me and it wasn't even my fault, it was all the fourth's fault for sealing the demon inside me."

"Now, now Naruto, don't blame others for your misfortune," said Doctor Pal.

"But he sealed the demon inside me!" exclaimed Naruto.

"Now Naruto, do you want to visit the orderlies too?" asked Doctor Pal.

"No," mumbled Naruto before continuing, "So, anyway. Everything was getting better until my best friend left the village and when I went after him he tried to kill me and when he got away everyone blamed it on me and everything fell apart because of him."

That was when the dark haired boy on the other side of the room stood up, "So what, eff you Naruto!"

"Eff you Sasuke!"

"Eff you Naruto!"

"Eff you Sasuke-chan!"

"Shut up dobe."

"Oh yeah? You want to take this outside you sissy?"

"Bring it!"

"Yeah! Fight it out!" Harry heard himself yell.

"Shut up ho," said Gaara.

"That's enough out of all of you!" yelled Doctor Pal, "Can't this be a nice quiet happy session?" then he broke down in tears.


End file.
